Weekend Smiles

Words and more words
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate
.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?”
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.” But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.” Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.” Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.” Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”
Cards You Won’t Find In Card Stores
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never believed in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”
“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday——— So we’re having you put to sleep.”