- Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
- You will always find something in the last place you look.
- No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you’ve bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
- The other line always moves faster.
- In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.
- Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.
- If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
- If it jams – force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
- Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
- In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
- There’s never time to do it right, but there’s always time to do it over.
- When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
- Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- Murphy’s golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
- In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
The Three Little Pigs
The Three Little Pigs were so lazy they hated to work.
They wouldn’t hold jobs as a carpenter, cleaner or clerk.
Instead they were burglars who broke into houses to steal.
They took all the jewelry and artwork that they could conceal.
When building their house they refused to use mortar and bricks.
They wouldn’t construct it with lumber or even with sticks.
They couldn’t be bothered with metal or plastic or glass.
The pigs were so lazy they built it with bundles of grass.
Well one night the piglets decided to steal from the palace.
They broke in and stole every candlestick, ladle and chalice.
They took every painting and rug they could fit down the stairs, and then they went back for the king and the queen’s royal chairs.
They took all their loot to the neighborhood pawn shop to fence for one hundred thirty eight dollars and seventeen cents.
They sold every item they’d taken except for the thrones.
And these they took home and positioned right next to the phones.
The next day the Sheriff – one B.B. Wolfe – blew down their house, and found the two chairs that they took from the king and his spouse.
The Three Little Pigs were arrested and taken to jail, to bring to a finish their twisted and sad little tale.
Which proves if you build your own house that you ought to use stones.
And piglets who live in grass houses should never stow thrones.