Ode to Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.
Funny Grade School Exams
History Of The World According To Grade School Student Exam Papers
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingrediants. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career sufferred a dramatic decline.
Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
Julius Ceaser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus’
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted ‘hurrah’.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greates writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colnists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, ‘A horse divided against itself cannot stand’ Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered raio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.
The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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