Smiles :}

The perks of being a senior

  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
  9. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
  10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  11. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
  14. You sing along with the elevator music.
  15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
  18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

These were all actually printed in a publication:

  1. Include your children when baking cookies
  2. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  3. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  4. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  5. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
  6. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
  7. Dinner Special –
    Turkey $2.35;
    Chicken or Beef $2.25;
    Children $2.00.
  8. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  9. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
  10. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
  11. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  12. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
    by hand.
  13. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
  14. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  15. Great Dames for sale.
  16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
  17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
  18. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  19. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
  20. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
  21. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
  22. Automatically burns toast.
  23. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  24. Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
  25. We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
  26. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
  27. Homes and Gardens.
  28. For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
  29. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
  30. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  31. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
  32. Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
  33. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
  34. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
  35. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
  36. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
  37. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
  38. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
  39. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
  40. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  41. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
  42. Blue Cross and salary.
  43. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
  44. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.