See You On The Porch
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “you asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
That’s One Dead Duck…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s heart. “I’m so sorry; your pet duck has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” the vet replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “150!” she cried. “150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up.
Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand
for “What would Jesus drive?”
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says
God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the
Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go
up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.” Some scholars insist that Jesus
drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s
gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage
declaring, “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was
heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in
a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”